Separation and Divorce: Should I Stay Married or Get Divorced?
Posted: Wednesday, May 23, 2007
by Barry Roche
Not all marriages are the same so who's to say what's acceptable and what isn't. There are married couples who "swing" and I don't mean in the park! Yet, they seem to be happily married - at least they often say they are.
I do know that the major causes of marriage breakup are: -
1. Debt and lack of money.
2. Lack of sex.
4. Spousal Abuse - either emotional, verbal and/or physical.
5. Baggage from a previous relationship or from childhood.
6. Unrealistic expectations.
If financial struggle gets too burdensome and a better offer comes a long, that spouse is likely to head for greener pastures! Lack of sex or a complete absence of marital bedroom gymnastics won't meet the needs of a person with a healthy libido. If a person has needs you can bet they will eventually seek a solution to their frustration!
Domestic violence is simply unacceptable. Some experts believe that perpetrators of spousal abuse can change their ways. I have my doubts. If the violence is due to alcohol or stress and these triggers are removed, then the abuse shouldn't occur. However, this is not the same thing as a "cure".
My view is that if you suffer from Battered Wife Syndrome, the sooner you separate and divorce the better! Still, most women in this situation put up with spousal abuse (and therefore remain a domestic violence victim) in the hope that he will change or that if they "walk on eggshells" the other spouse won't get angry - WRONG!!
Infidelity is a tricky one. For many women, one strike and he's out. However, infidelity is no longer gender specific and many women today have had or have contemplated, an affair. This has resulted in a somewhat more liberal approach in the sense that women now understand better how easy a spouse can fall into an illicite relationship these days - even though the reasons differ as between men and women.
Some marriages work in spite of the husband being a "player". They didn't marry him for his "faithfulness" but for other benefits such as wealth, status, fame, etc. Other wives have accepted the husband's regret at a one-off "foolish mistake" and forgiven him. The same goes for some men who have been on the receiving end of an extra marital affair. Still, a cheating spouse is NOT generally tolerated - even once. In fact, it is the quickest way of landing in the divorce court that I know of!
This brings us to baggage. Now we all have SOME baggage. We may have been married and divorced once or twice before. It may be that we have issues from an unhappy childhood that impact negatively on our lives as we get older. What about the "baggage" associated with have young children from some other relationship? Problems with child visitations, abusive ex-husband's and hassles with child support can really put a girl off! Either they're fixable, manageable or .... they're in the too hard basket and it's time to move on.
I've left Unrealistic Expectations to last for a reason. Most people who get married do not really understand why they are. They think it's because they love the other person whereas the real underlying reason is this: -
They think that the other person will fulfil their needs. This is the main reason why they love the other person. Think about this. They see their new spouse as the person who is going to make their life complete. Past baggage will disappear, as their new partner fulfils all their dreams. The areas in which he or she doesn't currently deliver on .... well, he or she foolishly thinks that they''ll just change that over time! Big mistake. This explains why so many people marry someone that they really aren't suited for.
So, do you stay in your marriage or not?
This really depends on your own values. There is no right or wrong answer for everyone. However, whatever decision you make, make it honestly. Don't kid yourself. Make sure that you think it through ... especially if you still love your spouse. As Oprah says, "We are not our mistakes". It may be that counselling can help save the marriage. Unfortunately, by the time one spouse has reached a point where he or she is contemplating separation and divorce, it is often too late.
Except in the case of infidelity and perhaps spousal abuse, the decision to stay married or get divorced is one that often takes time to consider. The practical consequences should be looked at and you should talk these over with a divorce lawyer who is also familiar with any Social Security and/or tax implications.
One final thought. While most people who get divorced believe that they made the right decision, they often feel that had they done things differently BEFORE they went off the rails, they may have been able to save their marriage.
Whatever you decide, know that there is life after divorce ... just ask some of your friends!
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Top-level comments on this article: (5 total)This article has practical sound advice. It is very informative.
hmmm... You've set me to thinking. Some of what your article puts forth is for me and some of it I can leave by the wayside. I think the word 'practical' is a bit mundane for the information you have here. You have inserted a double-edged blade between my ribs and are slowly twisting it. While the feeling is uncomfortable, I see the need to respond.
I would suggest that love in marriage is not as cut and dry as most of us are led to believe. Your relationship should be as unique as the fingerprints on your hand. The fact that what affected another relationship will not play out in yours the exact same way. I suggest you read my relationship title, "Married without Baggage." Sincerely, Charles Rivers
OK. So here's my deal: Yes, I left my first husband for my current husband. Yes, domestic violence (verbal and also physical including several instances where the police were called by neighbors) has occured in my current relationship. (on his part towards me) He says it's my fault because I push on him. I started a "friendship" with a guy at my former employment. We became close friends by email over the next few years (NO SEX BUT STEAMY EMAILS AND ALSO ONE KISS). BTW, my current spouse also "cheated" on me (by HIS definition). He started to pursue a friendship with another woman and told me about it then said he made his decision to no longer contact her and that he wanted to marry me. THEN he gave an ultimatum that if I didn't marry him by a certain date, that he was leaving me. So, in an effort not to "rock the boat", I agreed to his terms for the marriage (at least on the surface). I bitterly resented being "forced" to marry him before I was ready. I was still DEVASTATED by his "short" affair. He did absolutely NOTHING to help repair the damage he had done by breaking his own rules about cheating. I finally told him about what I had done last year when I felt it was "safe" to do so. He did resort to some physical violence and slapped me called me many bad names (please use your imagination...the names start with c_ _ _, B_ _ _ _ and W_ _ _ _.)I have tried my very hardest and best in the last year to correct my mistakes. I never should have broken my vow by kissing someone other than my spouse and I have read MANY expert advice columns, I've downloaded healing after an affair advice and I am at my wit's end. It seems NOTHING I do is EVER good enough (even though my spouse didn't do ANY work to heal anything when he cheated on me). Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself but I think I should call it quits and go ahead with a divorce. Any thoughts?I think if I were you, I would suggest seriously thinking about divorce. One of the main reasons I'm thinking about it right now is b/c I always feel as tho my husband does not take responsibility for his mistakes and blames me for everything. And he wants me to change (but balks at any suggestions I make to him),and does not allow me to be myself.
You missed out on some additional key reasons for a marriage breakup -
They are
1) Interfering inlaws
2) Addictive husband into alcoholism, drugs and more...
Overall your article has been very well written. I could relate to everything you said; especially this
"One final thought. While most people who get divorced believe that they made the right decision, they often feel that had they done things differently BEFORE they went off the rails, they may have been able to save their marriage. " Honestly, even though most of us feel that, its not at all true!! NOTHING you could have done can save a floundering marriage where there is abuse and addictions involved and an unwillingness to change the 'undesirable' ways.
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